What I Watched Today
(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)
We begin with Kiki stating the obvious, that Morgan and Darby were off having sex. Valerie doesn’t believe that even Andy is stupid enough to have made the mistake of switching reels, and says Dillon must have done it on purpose. Maxie freaks on Nathan because he knew all along. He says it’s because she would have told Lulu, and we both say, “Well, yeah.”
Dante chases after Lulu, who wants nothing to do with him right now, and I scream at the TV, “Give her the space she needs, you !@#$% %^&()@!!!” alarming my dogs.
Carly has a deal with the lab guy – she has given him a “discreet” room when he’s needed it (I don’t want to know) and he’s going to do a discreet DNA test for her. Please, let this be over with soon.
Poor Lulu! She says she was going to start the hormone treatments tomorrow. Dante still wants to go ahead with it, but she’s like, wait a second, you tried to talk me out of it. Why?
Valerie totally goes off on Dillon.
Kiki tells Morgan that since she doesn’t want him, why not grab the next available thing? (Like Jax. Just move one down on your contacts list.) Darby says they should either get back together or “hit the kill switch,” because neither of them are able to handle the in-between.
The lab guy says he can have the test done quicker than anyone, but he needs Jason’s DNA for comparison. Carly tells him it should be in the crime database. Come on already.
Sam is whining to Patrick about not having the facial reconstruction finished. Isn’t she wondering where the laptop is? Patrick says both “Jake” and Elizabeth seem happy with how things are, so maybe they should just leave it alone. He says something about a knock at the door, and guess what? Yep, there’s a knock at the door. It’s Emma who has had a nightmare.
“Jake” – you know, forget it, I’m going to start calling him Jason since no one else will. Jason asks Elizabeth if she wants to postpone the wedding, but she says no. They make out on the bridge, but all of a sudden, Jason realizes he’s been there before. And with her.
Morgan says it’s over, and Kiki asks how she’s supposed to react when they cross paths. She says she thought they were starting over, but then he decided to sleep with her mother again (thinking it was her Aunt Denise, but still) and he broke her heart. He replies with a bunch of stupid remarks. He’s such a jerk, even as a drunk she can do better.
Maxie is pretty pissed about Nathan keeping the secret from her. She says they could have tried to convince Dante to come clean and fix it together, but instead he chose Dante over her. Good point.
Valerie acts like it’s all Dillon’s fault that she slept with Dante. She says that he was afraid to tell Lulu himself because she might hate him for it. So he chose another way. He says she’s right. D’oh!
Lulu says she feels like an idiot for having made a big deal over what she thought was just one kiss, and Dante lied to her face when she questioned him. He says he didn’t want their marriage to be defined by one night that he made a bad decision. Lulu really isn’t having it. She says she hopes Valerie was better than her in bed and that it was worth it. He says blah-blah-blah about how he’d thought their marriage was over. Lulu and I both say, so you slept with Valerie instead of saying something?
Jason wants Elizabeth to kiss him again, so he can get the remembering vibe back. I can’t say I’ve ever heard that excuse before.
Nathan says Maxie should understand about keeping a secret for the greater good. She says, oh yeah, like when she kept the Spinelli baby secret and it worked out so well. Not.
Lulu is putting all kinds of two and twos together. Ugh! She says she thought they were closer when all the time, Valerie was taking up space in their bed. He tries again to explain what he thought about her and Dillon, but it’s not working.
Valerie is appalled that Dillon put Lulu in the position of finding out publicly. He says that Valerie wanted Lulu and Dante’s marriage to implode too, but she says no. I don’t know if I believe that, but I agree with her about the public thing.
Morgan asks Kiki to explain how her drinking to deal with things is any better than his sleeping around. Well, for one, no one ever got pregnant from a martini.
HE SAID IT! THE LAB GUY SAID IT! JAKE DOE AND JASON ARE THE SAME PERSON! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
Maxie says that Lulu and Dante had the perfect marriage, and inspired her when she wasn’t being jealous of them.
Dante is making no freaking sense, and now tries to turn the tables. That’s seriously not going to work. She talks about him changing the sheets the morning she got home. She says they’ve been living in two totally different worlds. He knew the truth and she didn’t, and they lived accordingly. This is just heart-breaking. He says he thought he could find a way to be the man she deserved. I’m not sure why he thought lying was the way to do that. I don’t think Lulu is too happy with Dillon either.
Valerie tells Dillon that Lulu is going to hate him forever.
Morgan tells Kiki he’ll drive her home, and she suggests he drive Darby home. Darby comes out with some snacks and starts wolfing down burgers, which is totally appropriate.
It would be something if Jason actually ends up outing himself. He’s still pondering on the bridge. Elizabeth tells him he’s just having déjà vu. That everyone gets it and it’s just one of life’s mysteries.
The lab guy is going home. Carly calls Jason and gets voice mail. Why doesn’t anyone ever answer their phone? This is important! Of course she just says to call her back. I swear, nothing had better happen to her before she’s able to spill the Jason beans.
Dante says he made a promise to Sonny that he’d tell her everything. Lulu realizes that Nathan knew, and that Maxie didn’t because Maxie would have told her. Lulu breaks down crying and I want to cry too.
Dillon gets left by himself when Valerie, Nathan and Maxie basically tell him he’s a jerk and leave.
NOOOOO! I see it coming. I don’t want to look. And I hate Elizabeth with every fiber of my being.
Kiki is driving drunk and Carly is driving distracted, caught up in remembering the various times she talked to nuJason. You know the rest. I can’t even type it.
Maxie goes to Lulu. Dillon tells Valerie he did them all a favor and she’ll thank him later. Probably not.
Jason suggests that he and Elizabeth continue their make out session in bed at home. Elizabeth says it would be bad luck before the wedding and I wish her all the bad luck in the world.
You know how it ends. I can’t. I just can’t.
Last week, we (finally) said, “Bye, Felicia!” to Chef Leon. Chef Ben is back and I couldn’t be happier. Leon is even gone from the credits. Good. Go. Good-by. Go back to your K-Mart cruise line job.
Ben is checking out the pantry and he says it’s like a biohazard. He does a Gordon Ramsey and cleans the whole place. Amy says there’s some more than friends stuff going on between Ben and Kate.
Dave comes through the revolving deckhand door. He was on the first season and Boson Eddie is glad to see him back. I actually don’t remember much about him.
Rocky says Eddie is sending her mixed signals. No he’s not. He’s just sending the “go away” signal. She’s one of the most clueless people I’ve ever seen, and can’t seem to get why he’s not interested any more when she acted like a psychotic toddler in the last episode.
The Real Housewives of Atlanta‘s Cynthia Bailey, is the primary guest. It’s going to be her birthday the first night. I’ve never really felt one way or the other about her, but her husband (who thankfully won’t be on the charter) thinks he’s one of the women on that show and likes to mix it up with them. Claudia from RHOA is also coming along. I liked her a lot and am sorry she’s not going to be on the show any more. Not to get off topic, but I heard Nene will be back. That was fast. Guess she isn’t the star she thought she was and she’s sticking to being a big
rich bitch fish in a little pond. I was really not thrilled with her antics last season – for goodness’ sake, she made Kenya look like Mother Teresa – and I’m kind of sorry Bravo didn’t give her a time out and tell her to think about what she did.
The wind is howling, and there is no choice but to wait it out at the dock. Cynthia says she doesn’t want to be a diva, but wonders if they might have a birthday cake “laying around.” The place is already decorated, and Amy says that yachting 101 tells you to give the guests what they want before they know they want it.
Ben says Rocky is actually culinary trained (really?) and asks her to trim the muffin tops. What he means is to trim the excess around the edges, and she actually takes the top off. The best part of the muffin. The joke in our house is that my husband didn’t marry me for my cooking in the kitchen, but even I knew what he was saying. Lord, she is such a moron.
The ladies ask for Emile to feed them strawberries in a tank top and jeans. Huh? Yeah, that’s always been my fantasy too, said no one ever. More guests arrive. I think it’s a little creepy that they just requested it to see if he would do it. Now get down on all fours and bark like a dog.
Dave is amused that Cynthia’s daughter (I think it is; she’s a teenager) is infatuated with Emile. Why? He acts like he’s 14, so that’s about right. One guest asks for chocolate Pop Tarts. Yeah, that’s what I always crave when gourmet food and a chef is available. Cynthia examines the storage area in her bathrobe and mistakes the crew’s quarters for closets. I guess they’re being down-to-earth, but I’d be pissed at someone getting in my bed and checking it out.
The guests filled up on the appetizers, and decide they’ll have the birthday dinner on the morrow. Ben isn’t happy, but he rolls with it. Unlike how Leon would have been.
Rocky eavesdrops on Eddie talking about her idiocy. Then says that thing I hate, that she “has feelings for” him. Well, I “have feelings for” her too, but I don’t think they’re the same ones she has for Eddie.
Commercial break. Ha-ha! I love the ad for Kraft Mac & Cheese where the guy is a collector and his kid wonders why he doesn’t take his toys out of the boxes or eat the Star Wars macaroni and cheese. I collect Barbies, and a child I once babysat for asked me why I didn’t take them out of the boxes and play with them. I told her “resale value,” and she looked at me like I had two heads. Like the kid in the commercial, I’m sure she thought it was a “room of lies.”
Rocky is complaining to Emile because she needs someone to be supportive. Oh, you mean the guy who you gave mixed signals to? Eddie says she was supposed to keep their trysts between them and obviously she’s not. Rocky tries to pry into Kate and Ben’s business. They both say that they’re friends who have had benefits, but they’re too much alike to have a relationship. Amy thinks they’re lying to themselves.
Everyone is drinking at 10 am. That’s too early for me, even on vacation. Then we’re on to the jet skis, which always mix well with alcohol. I would be swimming all the time if I went on one of these trips. They go to shore for lunch, and Emile comes along. They keep asking him his opinion about tchotchkes in the gift shop and it’s obvious he couldn’t care less.
The ladies want Southern comfort food for dinner (meaning food from the South, not the liquor) and I’m getting hungry. Cynthia takes a bunch of photos of herself in the wheelhouse, and Captain Lee does a few poses with the ladies. He says some guest requests are better than others. The guests would also like a cat, so Connie dresses up like one. I guess these people are having fun, but that just seems weird.
Kate and Ben are arguing about something insignificant, and Amy thinks they should just “go downstairs and take care of it,” meaning the sexual tension between them. Claudia says it’s like an “upscale barbeque,” and I concur. Ben visits the table and gets lots of compliments, and told he’s going to make them fat from the food they requested. Ben makes a gorgeous cake, even though it’s not chocolate. To me, if it’s not chocolate, it’s not worth it.
Eddie says his one mistake doesn’t define him, and is on the phone trying to make up with his girlfriend. They’ve had a lot of ups and downs with the long distance thing.
Teenage Girl says all the food is the best she’s ever had. This seems like it was a relatively easy-going charter. Amy says the only diva moments and drama only came from Kate and Ben. Although I really don’t think they behaved that badly.
Tip time! It’s 15 large, and everyone is happy. Especially Dave who says he’s missed the cash tips.
Ben says he doesn’t want fear from Rocky, but respect. He apologizes about being annoyed over the muffin tops. That’s nice, but seriously, a monkey would have known better. The crew goes out to dinner on shore. Connie says that Rocky is good at being a mermaid, but other than that, she’s annoying. And she’s being pretty annoying right now, being really loud with explaining drinks with dirty names.
When they get back to the boat, Eddie brushes her off. She says that even if he doesn’t want to be with her, he should at least respect her. No comment.
Next week, Rocky says she’s going crazy (I think she got there a while ago) and spills it to everyone about her and Eddie. Emile looks like he doesn’t react too well. Because he’s 14.
The People’s Couch Quote of the Week
Again, a toss-up.
Leah Remini doesn’t need a costume. She already survived the Scientology horror movie. — Scott while watching Dancing with the Stars, the Halloween episode.
She’s Crocodile Dundee’s daughter. — One of the Resnick girls, referring to Bindi Irwin on DWTS.
Stay tuned for If Loving You is Wrong with tomorrow’s post.