What I Watched Today
(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)
Once Upon A Time
Dark Emma brings the dagger to the rest of Excalibur. Rumpelstiltskin pops out, acting all merry, and puts some fairy dust or whatever on the sword.
Merlin is running through a desert with some guy and they see a chalice with water in it. The guy is like, I’ll go first because I’m thirstier than you, but when he touches it, he disappears, poof! in a cloud of smoke. Merlin is more humble in his approach and is able to quench his thirst. Everything around him turns green and he knows the chalice is the magical Holy Grail.
In Storybrooke, everyone is hanging out at the diner in Medieval wear. Merlin asks them to get the sword. He says blah-blah-blah about love and suddenly we’re back 200 years ago. A girl is there to see him. Her name is Nimue, and she’s seeking revenge on an evil being who ransacked her town. She’d seen him coming and she ran. She’s brought some seeds and says her best revenge would be to plant some flowers that grow only in her town, and for the flowers to live on. This is the stupidest revenge plot I’ve ever heard of. She plants the seeds in a container, Merlin goes bibbidy-bobbidy-boo and the flowers spring up.
Nowadays Merlin tells Emma they need some kind of spark and he wants her to help him get it. This isn’t a euphemism for anything. They really need to hunt down a literal spark. He says he sees two paths for their journey, in one she resists darkness and they’re successful; in the other, she succumbs to darkness and he dies.
There’s some mushy stuff between Emma and Hook, but I miss most of it because I was out of the room. I guess Nimue stuck around because Merlin is telling her all about how he found the Holy Grail. Any mention of holy and grail in the same sentence always makes me think of Monty Python, and ever since the Camelotites landed, I’ve been waiting for the Knights Who Say Ni to show up. Merlin wants to refashion the grail into a sword. Nimue is impressed that he doesn’t want to use the grail for his own gain, so Merlin makes a ring out of a leaf for her. Okay, all this magic and a Holy Grail and everything, and he gives her a ring made out of a leaf? Cheapskate.
Back in the diner, Zelena offers a trade. She knows how to get to the sword if she can have her magic back. She leads them to a crypt. Or it could be a fancy root cellar. Regina says if they get in and out with the sword, they’ll talk about the magic thing.
Arthur is stirring a cauldron and acting like a paranoid weirdo. He pours something from the cauldron over a helmet and it dissolves. He tells his lackeys to go pour it over everyone. Nice. If I were Gwinivere, I’d be looking for the nearest exit.
Merlin asks Emma if she’s embraced her powers and she says she’s done some dark things lately. But she figures if she’s questioning it, she must still have a conscience.
Merlin and Nimue go back to where her village was. He thinks she has survivor’s remorse, but she says she’s just angry. She says if she had his magic, she’d be all over the place doling out vigilante justice. Whoa. What happened to planting the flowers being enough? Merlin sees someone bad headed for his village and Nimue tells him to just hit the bad dude with a lightning bolt. He says he can’t because darkness might overtake him. What’s the point in having magic if you can’t zap people once in a while? For the greater good of course.
Zelena ugly cries about her sister being the favorite and how she’s worried about her baby. Enough to cause Snow concern, but once she gets close, Zelena kicks her across the lawn and escapes.
Merlin takes the grail to a fireplace in the middle of the woods. The fire consumes the grail, Merlin goes hocus pocus and it turns into Excalibur. Some creepy dude comes up behind them and wants the sword. Creepy Dude grabs Nimue and stabs her. She dies in Merlin’s arms.
Merlin tells Emma that Creepy Dude stole the flame that consumed the grail. She’s supposed to take the dagger and ask to communicate with the first dark one. The ancient dark one pops in and it’s not a dude, it’s a dudette. It’s Nimue! Back in the day while Creepy Dude is yapping at Merlin, Nimue (not really dead) steals his heart. (That phrase is always meant literally when used in regard to this show.) Oooh, she crushes it to dust. All righty then. She turns into the first dark one and breaks the sword.
Nimue is like, cool, the first and most recent dark ones, together on stage for the first time. Nimue zaps Merlin. She says any threat must be destroyed and that includes him. She tells Emma she has to kill Merlin. Emma is like no way, and uses the dagger to get the better of Nimue, who says she’ll always be inside Emma & disappears, poof! No smoke though. Merlin explains to Emma that he was able to put the sword in the stone and Nimue’s soul in the dagger.
Regina and the gang head to the round table, where Arthur is messing around with the sword. Regina puts him in freeze frame and says to get the sword. David is worried about a protection spell, but Regina says Arthur has no magic. Cue Zelena, who has Snow captive. Arthur uses the sword to summon Merlin. Merlin and Arthur have a pissing contest with words. Merlin tells Arthur the future is in his hands and to hand over the sword so they can use it for good. Arthur is like nuh-uh, and makes everyone else leave.
Nimue has hooked up with Rumpel, and they encourage Dark Emma to put the sword back together. There is a crowd of minions chanting. Not those little yellow guys, but creepy hooded figures. Dark Emma gets the sword back together using magic chewing gum., but she hears Merlin’s voice telling her not to do it back when she was a little girl. The minions tell her to take the power. She looks the sword over.
Oh good, next week Merida’s back. I’ve never seen Brave, but I kind of missed her.
The Walking Dead
Deanna climbs to a rooftop and watches the Alexandria clean up. She seems pretty freaked out, probably because she really didn’t know the first thing about being a post-apocalyptic leader. She sees Rick running toward the gate with loads and loads of zombies behind him. How she gets to street level as fast as she does, I will never know. Is this a daydream?
Nope. Rick is inside and already giving a lecture. He always has to scold everyone before he gives instructions. He says the others on the quarry mission know what they’re doing and the Alexandrians have to do their part and keep real freaking quiet so the zombies go away. Aaron goes on all about how Rick is a loser, then admits that he – Aaron, not Rick — is the jerk who led the Wolfs to Alexandria. I have no idea what he’s trying to say here. They’re all screw ups?
Jessie is digging graves when Rick tells her they don’t bury killers inside the walls. So they’ll just leave the bodies sit and stink until the zombies finally go away? Not a plan.
A small crowd is gathered by the food supply area. They don’t want to ration because they figure they’re dead anyway. They want to whoop it up on those canned peaches and green beans. Spencer gives them a what-do-you-think-you’re-doing? talk, and makes it okay again.
A few of the Alexandrians are making a memorial wall. Aaron sees Glenn’s name on it, and sees Maggie off and running. She’s gearing up for a rescue mission and Aaron says he’s going to help.
Deanna is pondering her wedding ring. She starts making a plan for a garden and some expansion, but maybe there’s more to it than that. Upstairs, she hears Spencer break a glass. He’s been hitting a bottle of liquor he swiped from the pantry, saying that he deserves it after stopping a run on the food. He blames Deanna for the position they’re in, saying she didn’t know what she was doing and made them into wimps.
Carl asks Ron if he’s seen Enid. He wants Ron’s help to climb over the wall and go find her. Ron says that he told her not to go out there, and he’s not going to let Carl go. I have to agree that now is probably not the best time with 10,000 zombies out there. Carl punches Ron out, but Ron says nyah-nyah, he’s going to tell.
Jessie goes to the door of a house and a zombie scares the ever-lovin’ hell out of all of us. She opens the door and stabs it in the eye. She tells the small group who has gathered, that this is the way it goes now and if they don’t fight, they die. The new normal.
Aaron shows Maggie a way to go under the wall. They go through a sewer tunnel and a couple of sewage zombies come out of nowhere. One almost eats Maggie and Aaron dispatches them. Maggie tells him he should go back because a cut on his head needs stitches, but he’s all like, it’s nothing, pay no attention to that blood dripping down my face.
Shrink turned medical doctor, Denise, is trying to help a bite victim. She has a eureka-I-found-it moment.
Rick can’t get ahold of any of the others who were on the quarry mission. Ron tells Rick about stopping Carl from leaving. Rick wants to check on Carl, and Ron says he’ll watch for the others while Rick is gone. He also wants to learn to shoot and RIck hands him a gun and says, practice now.
Tara asks how the bitten guy is and Denise responds by giving her a big kiss on the mouth, singing It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine), and saying it sucks. I have no clue what the kiss was all about, if anything, I have even less of a clue about what happened in the infirmary.
Maggie and Aaron get to the end of the pipe where there’s a gate. There are zombies outside, and Aaron wants to chance it, but Maggie makes a stink, drawing the zombies’ attention. She says it’s over and that if she’d gone with Glenn, she might have been able to save him; but if he was alive, she thinks he would have let her know by now. Really? How? I believe he’s dead, but for argument’s sake, if he wasn’t, how is he supposed to call?
Amy’s son, Sam, won’t come downstairs for cookies, so something is definitely wrong. He says that the world didn’t change upstairs. That’s a very poignant point.
Deanna is on her way somewhere with tray of glass bottles, gets a zombie surprise and drops the tray. Picking up a broken bottle, she attacks the zombie like a contestant on Bad Girls Club. Rick comes along and tells her she can stop now and she says she wants to live and learn how to cut a zombie bitch.
Maggie takes Glenn’s name off the wall. Aaron tells her that Aaron can be a girl’s name too, depending on how it’s spelled. Apparently, Maggie is pregnant, but I blinked and missed that part. Spencer gets props for something brave he did and contemplates his new bad assness. Rick says something to Jessie about not wanting to bury the bodies because the others are still out there somewhere and I don’t get the connection. He and Jessie get romantic and I gag.
Deanna is getting awfully close to the fence and taunting the zombies. Bad zombies!
We end with seeing blood dripping down on the inside of one of the walls.
Do the actors on this show go home all depressed or do they just head straight for the bar?
The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Kandi is pregnant. Excitement abounds for the Burusses!
Portia comes by to visit Phaedra, and they’re both wearing outfits from the late 70s. Phaedra says they’re bestest friends now because Portia has been “a rock” for her. More like Portia has rocks in her head and we’ll see how long this lasts. Phaedra says she and Apollo are “cordial,” which I assume means she’s going to divorce him any minute now. Portia is dating a 24-year-old, which is about 10 years older than her age mentally, but there are laws to consider.
Cynthia says since the new opening of whatever venture Peter is getting into now, they only spend 3 days a week together. That’s 3 days a week more than I’d want to spend with him. Some kind of inappropriate something from Peter comes through on Phaedra’s phone.
It’s a video of Peter copping a feel that’s making the rounds. Cynthia tells Peter he’s embarrassing her and he doesn’t care. Did she really think he would? He’s saying it’s not what it looks like (ugh! thanks for being cliché) and tries to end the conversation, but Cynthia isn’t having it. She tells him he needs to think about what he’s done and puts him in time out with a bottle of wine.
Portia’s new squeeze, Duke, has flown in from Buffalo where he plays football. Portia says he’s really into her and wants to get to know her. If she wants to keep him, she probably shouldn’t let that happen. She feeds him chocolate covered strawberries and it’s one of the least romantic things I’ve ever seen. She wants him to meet her parents. Let’s just review, shall we? This is the same woman whose grandfather was a big name in the Civil Rights Movement, but thought the Underground Railroad was a real train. Unless you want to spend endless time pampering a pseudo princess who has no IQ whatsoever, Portia is not for you.
Commercial break. Brooks Ayers interview by Andy. Thursday at 9. Be there or be square. Unless, unlike me, you have a life.
Kenya is showing Cynthia her new home in Atlanta. Sheree Whitfield (is she still using that last name?) is one of her neighbors and back on the show. They drive past her house, which looks like an amazing little castle, but not quite finished. Kenya’s house looks like some kind of dilapidated fortress. She got it at foreclosure and it needs a lot of work. The property is gorgeous though. The Million Dollar Listing guys would definitely call this a tear down. What happened to Gone with the Wind fabulous?
Phaedra says Apollo has a lot of time to get on her nerves – even from prison. Ha-ha! I’ll bet. Kandi and Todd have been storing his stuff. Todd says that Apollo claims to have not seen the kids since he went into the slammer, which isn’t how Phaedra has been presenting things. My guess is that Phaedra makes it up as she goes along. Something is so off about her. She was supposed to release a workout DVD that Todd produced, and so far, no DVD and no paycheck either. Todd wants Kandi to discuss it with her and neither Kandi nor I think that’s appropriate.
Phaedra’s mother kisses her angel daughter’s behind and says everything’s good because it’s peaceful without jerkface Apollo. Mom is pushing her to get a divorce. I don’t know why she hasn’t gotten one already. She checked out of that marriage the second she knew he was going to prison.
Cynthia has a new eyewear line going on, and Portia is hoping to score free shades. She says she likes when a woman has a business to focus on because then she’s not in your business. That’s actually pretty clever, so I figure she read it on a cereal box. Phaedra calls the group “the shady bunch.” I’d never accuse her of not being witty or lacking intelligence, but I’d never, ever trust her with anything.
That weird Marlo chick is there and hoping to score a free pair of sunglasses in every design. Kenya and Marlo are talking about Sheree’s unfinished house, which has been unfinished for 3 years. The neighbors are starting to complain. I laugh, thinking about how long it takes real estate projects to be completed where I live. That’s nothing.
Peter finally shows up. Blech. I just don’t like him. Kenya seems to think he has something on the side. I don’t know about that, but he definitely has himself on the side, and every other angle, since that’s all he cares about. He and Kenya exchange words about his guilty ways. The worst thing about him is how he gets so involved with the gossip like he’s one of the Wives, but I don’t see him holding a peach in the group shots. He also tends to get right in their faces, which is not cool for a man to do.
Everyone’s wondering where Cynthia is, when she makes a grand entrance in a Cleopatra-type outfit and a pair of the glasses. I am a sunglasses freak and totally support this endeavor. Cynthia is looking for Peter (why?).
Sheree makes an appearance. She’s all good friends with Marlo, which makes Phaedra and I wonder what happened, since that wasn’t the case the last time they crossed paths. Kenya asks Sheree what’s up with her house, and tells her that the neighbors have been complaining about how long it’s taking to complete. Again, if that’s really the case, they should live here for a while. They go back and forth, and Cynthia is like, stop it, this night is about me. Sheree gets louder and starts attracting attention. Cynthia tells her, enough already….
And it’s to be continued.
Tootie arrives next week!