December 22, 2015 — Port Charles & Beverly Hills


What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)


General Hospital

We come in a little late because ABC news can’t wait.

Hayden and Nicholas arrive at the gala. I’m confused since it seemed like it was wrapping up at the end of yesterday’s episode.

Sam is sorry she told Jason that she doesn’t love Patrick the same as she loves him. He’s like, no worries, because he’s dense and doesn’t understand how she’s feeling.

Idiot Elizabeth wonders where Jason and Sam are. Can’t this witch give it a rest? I hope someone dumps the punchbowl over her head. She also sobered up the quickest I’ve ever seen anyone do it.

Julian gives Alexis a gorgeous ring in the middle of the basically empty gala. Why he didn’t give it to her when he actually proposed is a mystery to me.

Jordan arrives late. She tells Maxie she heard that Paul was the keynote speaker and says the DA has a talent for keeping people happy.

He’s about to make Ava happy, that’s for sure. And where does she find these amazing earrings? (She’s not wearing much else, so they really stand out.)

Michael tells Sabrrrina they need to talk about the baby. He says everyone keeps saying how big the baby is and he wants to know if there’s a reason why. Is there something in the Port Charles water system that makes people thick in the head? Duh. Why does he think that might be?

Patrick sees Robins body on a slab in a mausoleum (that just happens to be on the grounds). I don’t think she’s really dead though because I can see her breathing. Geez. Patrick kisses her and this is reminding me of the end of Romeo and Juliet, so I’m thinking maybe she took something to make herself appear dead.

Robert and Anna have their guns on Jerry. I guess his lackeys flew the coop without him.

Robin opens her eyes. Surprise! Maybe she can go home now. Or at least have a bathroom break.


Alexis and Julian make googly eyes at each other and Julian gets the last two glasses of champagne for a toast. Very thoughtful of him to take the last two.

Elizabeth asks Molly if she’s seen Sam. What’s wrong with her? Never mind. It’s too long a list. Molly says she thinks Sam left.

Jason says he wishes he could love Sam the way she needs him to. She says she’s made peace with it and when she says she loves him, she means she loves the life they once had together. He asks what now, and she says they can start off being friends and take it from there.

Paul says there’s so much going on at the gala, he won’t be missed. That’s funny, since there are so few people wandering around, it looks like the end of a high school dance. Ava asks if he’s going to be seen with a known criminal now or is he going to arrest her? He says he’s going to make sure she stays right where she is.

Sabrrrina tells Michael that he was there when Dr. Lee said the baby is fine. He says that’s not what he’s talking about and Monica said the baby is due in a few weeks. He asks if he’s the baby’s father and she says no. Good for her. And good for him, finally figuring it out.

Robin asks what Patrick is doing there. He says Jerry told them she was dead and she explains she took a drug to fool Jerry and that one of the guards helped her. She suggests they get the blip out of there.

Hayden tells Nicholas that a man who knows what he wants and won’t back down is incredibly sexy. She adds they’re in enemy territory, but she wants everyone to know she’s here to stay.

Jason asks if he and Sam could really be friends, since technically they’re past that. He says he wouldn’t call it just friendship. She asks what he wants to do. He says he doesn’t know, but do they have to call it anything and can’t they just be there together. Did they run out of dialogue?

Carly rsees Elizabeth. She tells Elizabeth that Jason and Sam are being all close and to leave them alone. She notices Elizabeth is still wearing the engagement ring and tells her to take it off.

Ava is all tied up. Literally. Looks like we’re going 50 Shades of Grey here.

Jerry says his problem is he’s too generous and he should have shot them on sight. He starts babbling about some restaurant in Rome and Anna asks Robert to get someone to take him away before she shoots him. Robert calls for reinforcements.

Patrick explains how he, Anna and Robert got there. Robin asks about Emma and he says she’s fine. Robin says she’s sorry for lying and she never stopped loving him. She says she understands he’s with Sam now and she doesn’t want to interfere with his new life. Anna is looking for Patrick and he calls to her. She sees Robin and is pretty startled. Lots of hugs.

Anna says she thought she’d lost Robin again and Robin says she can’t get rid of her that easy. Robin explains how the guard helped her to fake her death. Anna says they’ll make sure the guy who helped gets amnesty, but they’re going to put Jerry away forever. Robin says she’s been dreaming of this day.

Michael asks Sabrrrina if she was cheating on him. She says it was just a onetime thing. Then idiot Michael asks if she picked someone up at a bar because that must be the only answer. She says no and he finally gets a clue that it’s Carrrlos’s baby.

Elizabeth says she’ll take the ring off when she’s good and ready, and that Carly has no idea who Jason is now. Carly tells her how stupid she is and she’d best not drag Jason back into her delusional world.

Tracy tells Monica that Paul has a surprise for her. I think she’s going to be surprised, but I don’t think Paul is the one who set it up.

Dillon makes a speech about Toys for Tots and introduces India Arie. She sings Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, which is one of my favorites. If you’ve never seen Judy Garland sing it in Meet Me in St. Louis, it’s actually a sad song. India also looks smashing in a glittery gold number with a feathered turban.

During the song, we get snippets of what everyone is doing and Elizabeth goes up on the roof, where I can only hope she’s going to throw herself off.

Apparently, the surprise is a key to the same hotel room where Paul and Ava are going at it and Tracy walks in. Surprise all around and I wonder if it’s Ava who sent her the key.

Jerry is arrested. The inspector, or whatever he is, tells Robert that the local police will be there soon. Jerry says Robin could have made millions with her research, but she was too altruistic. Save it, Jerry. Anna comes in and says nothing about Robin being alive. After Jerry is taken away, she tells Robert to come with her.

Emma is probably going to need therapy for the rest of her life.

Sabrrrina admits it’s Carrrlos’s baby. Michael asks why she lied. She says it’s because she loves him and she wanted him to be the baby’s father. He says, but he’s not and that if Carrrlos wasn’t dead already, he’d kill him.

Paul tries to present Tracy with a gift of a pin commemorating their hard work on the gala. It’s not going over too well.

Sam asks what they’re going to do now. She says she and Danny are busy until after Christmas and after that who knows. Sam gets a call from her mom and Jason says they’ll pick this up later. She leaves. The revolving door happens and Nicholas and Hayden come out on the balcony.

Robert reunites with Robin. Anna suggests they get out of “this hellish place.”

Tracy says she should have realized that Paul was the same selfish bastard he always was. She wonders what his constituents are going to think about him being in bed with a criminal.

Michael says that Sabrrrina must not think much of him, since he would have loved the baby as his own. Uh-oh. Sabrrrina slips and says she thought Carrrlos was dead. She corrects herself and dum-dum Michael just shrugs it off. He says if he hadn’t shown the sono to Monica, he might never have known. She asks if there’s any way they can put this behind them and still be a family. Oh what a tangled web we weave and all that.

Carly asks Sam how things went. Sam says she and Jason managed to connect, but things are different. Carly says Jason is still the same inside and Sam has to fight for him. Sam says they’re going to figure things out together.

Nicholas tells Jason he should thank him. He says that Elizabeth loved him and now that he knows the truth, what has he gained? He says his grip on ELQ is iron clad and asks if Jason is going back to his old life working for Sonny. Nicholas pretty much sucker punches Jason.

Robin tells Patrick how much she’s missed Emma and that she’s spent every waking moment wishing she could get back home. She tells him she wants him to be happy with Sam and he tells her they broke up. He says they have a lot of catching up, but there’s plenty of time to do it. He says they have the rest of their lives.

Sabrrina says she lied because she wanted the baby to have the best possible father and she loves him. She says they can still be a family, but it looks like Michael isn’t having any.

Tracy calls Paul a lying, selfish, pathetic shell of a man. She tells him they might share a son, but she never wants to see him again and storms out. Ava tells Paul he’d better hope Tracy doesn’t tell anyone.

Maxie, Dillon, Nina and Franco toast to Crimson’s coverage of the gala. Nina says let’s go the office now and check out the photos.

Wah-wah-wah. Elizabeth takes off her ring.

Jason clocks Nicholas. Whoops! The next punch sends Nicholas off the roof.

Tomorrow, repercussions from that punch.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Giggy! LisaV was pretty upset about the mini horse having leg problems, so some friends of hers (Frank, Tina and Houston) have gotten her another mini horse. It arrives with its companion, a baby mini horse, and they’re both the most adorable things on earth. Lisa now officially has 8 swans, 7 dogs and 2 mini horses. I guarantee, these horses are going to have the best lives ever. I’m still trying to figure out how to get Lisa and Ken to adopt me.

Erika is on the phone with her husband, Tom. She says they talk briefly four or five times a day, but he’s a pretty busy guy. They make plans to meet for dinner. Erika says Tom has always been supportive of her career as Erika Jayne and never told her what to do, but she doesn’t tell him how to practice law either.

She’s trying on some costumes – mostly netting with sparkly things to cover her lady parts. She’s having a hard time squeezing into one of them. She says every woman has a bit of Erika Jayne inside of her dying to get out. Yeah, if I could squeeze into that costume myself, she’d get out.

Eileen and husband Vince meet for lunch. All of these people work so much, it seems to be the norm. Meet you for a meal somewhere. Eileen talks about how Vince’s dad, Dick Van Patten, went to the track all of the time with his friends. His motto was: tennis in the morning, poker in the evening, racing in the afternoon. Vince has been to the races and swears Dick was with him, since he won $600.

Eileen apologizes to Vince for being bitchy. She says sometimes it seems like he has all this freedom, while she’s running around handling everything. He says she shouldn’t attack him first thing in the morning. She says women see it as expressing themselves, but men see it as an attack. Eileen is pretty astute about male/female relationships. He says they shouldn’t talk about anything until 9ish. She says it would be hard to hold it in until then. Eileen says she’s a lot more accommodating than Vince is. She didn’t say those words, but I’m translating the wife language.

LisaR is out for lunch with her daughters. Everyone gets salads. Sigh. The family takes a trip to Canada every summer where Harry used to vacation as a boy. She says instead of sending the kids to camp, they have their own camp. She says raising teenagers ain’t for sissies. I believe her. Lisa says she doesn’t even listen to them anymore and it’s like ♫ la-la-la ♫.

Kyle and daughters go to get ear piercing. The eldest daughter is getting an extra piercing and the littlest is getting hers done. I didn’t pierce my ears until I moved away from home. Kyle says teenage daughters are experts at manipulation. The older one getting the extra hole is being a total baby. Geez, I used self-piercers and pushed them through early because I got impatient. Way to freak out the little one too. Oh, I see, the little one (Portia) only has one ear done and is getting the other one. This probably happened the last time. Looks like she’s sticking with just one this time too.

LisaV calls Ken to the back yard and tells him happy birthday. Lisa’s friends are waiting with the little horses. Ken tries to act happy, but in his individual interview, he says he knows he’s going to be picking up a lot of poop. You’d think they’d hire someone for that, but they are pretty down-to-earth. Lisa says Ken is speechless. Yep.

Yolanda says she hasn’t done anything and she’s exhausted. Erika and Tom come over for a visit. Yolanda says they’ve really been there for her. David is joining them (schmuck). Erika says it’s good to see Yolanda smiling. David says he has to go to Europe soon for some kind of Andre Bocelli thing with the Pope. Yolanda suggests Erika perform with David, but Erika says she’d probably burst into flames. Erika explains that Erika Jayne isn’t exactly Pope material.

Kyle comes to pick up Portia from her acting coach. Kyle says Portia is the only one who’s expressed an interest In acting and she wants to be supportive. She says she got into acting by default, because when her parents divorced, they needed the income. (Way to take care of the family, dad.) She says it will be better for Portia since it will be something fun and not a job. Kyle says for her it was a positive experience, but it’s not for everyone. No kidding. She talks about Kim feeling more pressure, and that people point at her being a child actress as the reason for her addictive behavior, but she thinks either you are or you aren’t, and I agree.

Yolanda is looking forward to being with David so they can “reconnect their souls.” I feel sick because I know they’re divorcing now. She has a whole slate of supplements she takes and says that if someone told her to eat bark, she would because if she goes down, she wants to go down fighting.

LisaR is trying to do Facetime or something with Harry. She’s juggling the phone and the iPad, and I can’t really figure out what she’s doing. She says that technology isn’t her friend. Apparently so. Harry and the girls are already in Canada, but Lisa’s going back and forth because she’s working. She has a QVC clothing line and is very proactive. She’s not one of those celebrities that just stick their name on something.

Commercial break and important information – Vanderpump Rules will be on Sunday.

Yolanda enjoys being out in the country with David. (Oddly enough, they’re also in Canada.) They’re in a beautiful lake area surrounded by mountains, and I’m thinking he doesn’t deserve this – or her. She says her illness has been very taxing on the relationship. She says he gets impatient, but she understands because they used to do everything together. They go out on a speedboat.

LisaV is having a coming out party for the mini horses. LisaR shows up first. She says if anyone should be first, it’s her, and she feels a sense of entitlement here. Giggy! Ken says it’s been a long birthday and LisaR says I’ll bet. Kyle arrives next and Ken leaves with my precious Giggy. Kyle gets kind of annoyed because the girls always bring up Kim. LisaV says something about Kim trashing her on Twitter and calling her a phony. She says she tweeted back that she’s always been supportive of Kim. I’m wondering why all these adults are on Twitter so much. LisaR flashes back to the reunion where Kim said she wouldn’t do anything for a buck, then they show a clip from Sharknado 3.

LisaR says she was looking at Instagram pictures of Yolanda in Vancouver and Yolanda was looking good. She says she’s wondering what Yolanda is trying to accomplish with confusing pictures, that one minute she’s got needles in her arm and looking sick, and the next she’s on a yacht having the time of her life. She says people are questioning it and it’s awkward. In her individual interview, Kyle suggests LisaR should probably keep it to herself.

Lisa brings up Munchausen’s Syndrome and reads the definition. LisaR says that it’s something people can create themselves, making themselves sick even though they’re not. Kyle says Yolanda’s symptoms match a lot of things. Eileen arrives and LisaV suggests they change the subject.

Eileen says she can tell something’s up, so what is it. She asks LisaR for an abridged version. Lisa explains how she was telling them about people questioning Yolanda and the Instagram photos. Is this turning into a Brooks thing? LisaV says they’re probably people who don’t know her and LisaR feels guilty for not having Yolanda’s back. She thinks she should say something to Yolanda, but LisaV thinks that’s a bad idea. So do I.

The ladies see the horses and there’s a lot of squeeing. Kyle says it was built up so much, she expected them to be about Barbie sized. They’re making the poor horses nervous and the horses ditch them. LisaR tells Kyle that she feels badly about saying something regarding Yolanda.

Next week, a swan bites Ken and Eileen approaches Yolanda. Erika also says her husband is 76, but I honestly wouldn’t have guessed he was that old.

I dunno. Is it possible some of these reality stars could be manufacturing illnesses because of a need for attention? I don’t think I’d ever question it, since there are illnesses where people have good days and bad days, and don’t necessarily look sick. That’s actually a pet peeve of mine when someone says, “Well, you don’t look sick.” Well, you don’t look like a sick person just gave you a black eye.

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