What I Watched Today
(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)
Sonny, Alexis and Christina are having lunch at the MetroCourt because no one cooks at home anymore. Alexis and Sonny are commending Christina on her great semester in school. She must want the floor to swallow her up right about now, and she deflects the conversation to Alexis’s wedding.
Sam knocks on Jason’s hotel suite and Elizabeth answers. Elizabeth acts like he’s there, and says they’re getting ready to go to bed. Then Jason comes up behind Sam with Jake and I laugh my head off.
Dante goes through the pictures of Johnny and Valerie, but I don’t think he’s buying what Johnny had wanted them to convey. He tells Jordan that he thinks there’s some connection between Johnny’s sighting and Valerie being MIA.
Valerie struggles against her bonds and knocks over a candle, which starts burning trash on the floor. Lulu drives up, calling for Johnny. Valerie is still struggling, but apparently that candle is one of those trick ones, because now nothing is burning, and then we see the candle light everything up again. Hello? Editing department?
Sonny brings up Christina and Johnny, which was at a time when I wasn’t watching. Christina promises not to contact him and also promises not to marry Ryan Gosling, since she says there’s about as much chance of that. Sonny says his check for the next semester was returned uncashed.
Jake acts like the bad seed he is, insulting Sam, and Elizabeth acts like the good soul she’s not and tells him that’s rude. Jake goes to bed, and Sam tells Jason and Elizabeth about Dr. Sheinberg, and how he’s going to come forward. Elizabeth acts like she’s grateful that Sam got involved and Jason kills all her hopes by telling Sam he’s staying down the hall. Ah-ha! in Nelson voice.
Dante tells Jordan about the conversation with Dillon and how he saw Johnny. Jordan wonders why Johnny was in Lulu’s company as far back as Christmas. Dante says Johnny wasn’t necessarily in her company. Jordan wants to talk to Lulu, but Dante says he can’t get her on the phone. He shows Jordan the photos.
Lulu keeps beeping the horn, while the flames get closer to Valerie who is yelling her head off. As much as you can with a gag anyway.
Elizabeth asks Jason how Jake was when they were out. Jason says that he’s a kid and he wants things he can’t have. Elizabeth says she can’t stop thinking about what Jake went through with Helena. Jason says thanks to Sam he might be able to avoid jail. Jake pops in and says Sam isn’t as good as Jason thinks she is.
Alexis wonders why the check would be sent back. Christina makes up something about it being an electronic error and that other students got checks back. She tells Sonny to just give her the check and she’ll deliver it personally. She leaves to talk to Sam, and I don’t think Sonny or Alexis are believing her.
Jordan and Dante look at the photos. Dante judges the dates by what Valerie is wearing. Jordan says it looks like Valerie was on the take. Dante says he doesn’t believe that. Jordan says she doesn’t want to either, but he’d better figure out how to prove that’s not the case.
Lulu decides to leave, but sees the fire. She jumps out of the car and runs to the cabin. Don’t call 911 or anything. No, that would be too easy. She goes inside and sees Valerie unconscious with flames dancing around her. Let her burn and all your troubles will be over. Just turn around now.
Jason and Elizabeth grill Jake about brushing his teeth. I ask again, how old is this kid??? Jason asks what Jake meant about Sam. He says she’s greedy and wants everything for herself. Jason says that’s not true and Jake says she broke the picture of their family.
Christina tells Sam her parents are being intrusive. Sam asks her what’s going on. Christina asks her not to tell her parents, and when Sam promises not to, she tells Sam she’s been suspended.
Alexis tells Sonny his clashes with Christina are probably because they’re so much alike. He seems to think there’s something going on, and suggests maybe she’s embarrassed having a father who didn’t finish school and is a crime lord. I suggest that if this was a problem, they would have known by now.
No progress has been made at the PCPD. Jordan asks Dante how he thinks Lulu might be involved. Bobbi comes in and Dante asks for her help. He tells her about the photos. Bobbi asks if they think Valerie is in cahoots with Johnny. Jordan says not necessarily, but both of them are missing. Bobbi says she knows Valerie wouldn’t throw in with Johnny and that if Valerie is missing, it’s probably foul play.
Lulu runs to Valerie. She puts her jacket over Valerie’s head and gets the ropes untied. Lulu tries to wake up Valerie, but no luck. She pulls her out of the chair and starts doing CPR. Is she not breathing or does Lulu think this is how you wake up an unconscious person? Lulu screams at Valerie to wake up. Finally, she sits up and Lulu gets her outside.
Dante and Jordan ask Bobbi if Valerie has been stressed lately. Bobbi says yes, but she was concentrating on her career. She says that Valerie was used to money being tight, but she was looking for a job and she wouldn’t have taken money from Johnny. Jordan says that’s it for now, but they might have more questions later. Jordan tells Dante this doesn’t explain the pictures
Elizabeth asks Jake if he saw Sam break the picture. He says no, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t do it. Ha-ha! Jason tells him he shouldn’t make up stories and that Sam didn’t break the picture. Jake asks how he knows that. He says he knows Sam and that she knows lies are a mistake and that they never take you where you want to go. Jake says maybe she didn’t break the picture, but she wants to steal his family. I still say that kid broke the picture himself.
Alexis says Christina loves Sonny and that if she’s irritated, it has nothing to do with him. At the bar, Christina says her last break up was bad and she skipped class for a while. By the time she went back, she was failing. She tells Sam that she didn’t tell her parents because she thought she could catch up, but it never happened. Sam says she should talk to her professor. Christina says she tried, but she didn’t ask him “the right way.” When Sam asks what she means, Christina says she asked him if there was anything else she could do to pass the class.
Jason lectures Jake on what a good person Sam is. Jake says that Sam is bad because she took Jason away from them. Elizabeth tells him to go to bed, but he says he can’t sleep. Jake goes wherever, and Jason tells Elizabeth they’re not going to panic, he’s going out to get ginger ale and he’ll be back later.
Christina adds that the professor is hot, and Sam assumes she slept with him. Sam gives her a run down on why this is a bad idea. Christina says she didn’t have sex with him, but she offered it. Instead of taking her up on it, the professor turned her in and she got suspended. This sounds ridiculous, and I seriously doubt it would happen in real life. Christina says she can’t tell her parents. Sam says she’ll ultimately have to.
Alexis and Sonny confer on what’s up with Christina. They rule out love life. Alexis tells Sonny that she has better communication with Christina and she hasn’t heard a peep. She also suggests that Sonny go back to school if he wants to speak Christina’s language and thinks it’s creating a wedge between them.
Dante tells Jordan being on the take isn’t like Valerie and she knows it. He says whoever sent the photos was setting her up. Jordan says if she was being set up, then by whom? Johnny doesn’t make any sense and who else would do it? Think hard, Dante.
Lulu and Valerie are outside. Lulu realizes she left her phone in her jacket inside the cabin. She wants to walk for help, but Valerie says they’re in the middle of nowhere and she’s going to freeze. And if they stay here, they have this huge fire to keep them warm. She really didn’t say that last part, but I thought it was funny.
Sam tells Christina she can’t wish the problem away, and that if she doesn’t tell her parents, Sam will. Christina says she’ll get a crappy apartment and work a crappy job and go back later. She also doesn’t want to burden Sonny with something else. She begs Sam not to tell and Sam relents. She gives Christina the keys to her place and tells her to keep it clean. She makes Christina promise to give her weekly updates and stay away from the professor.
Sonny tells Alexis that Julian is a snake. Alexis says they almost made it through a conversation without arguing about him. Sonny reminds her that Julian had Duke killed. Alexis leaves.
Christina gets a text from Parker. Who?
Jason comes into the bar and sees Sam. Jason explains about why Elizabeth is in his room. Sam says she appreciates it, but he doesn’t have to explain anything to her. He tells her about telling Jake how she searches for the truth. She says she wasn’t always that way; that he taught her to be like that. She leaves.
Jake asks Elizabeth if they’ll ever be together as a family again. She says anything can happen.
Dante keeps trying to get Lulu on the phone. He leaves a message saying he knows she’s in the middle of the Johnny/Valerie mess and wants to know what the blip is going on.
Valerie and Lulu huddle under a towel. I’m assuming the car won’t start? Even if that’s the case, why don’t they get into the car? At least their weather is on point with the real world. It’s freaking freezing out.
Tomorrow, Scotty is back! Valerie wonders how Lulu found her and Paul wonders how long before Ava disrobes.
After a plane ride I’m glad I wasn’t a passenger on, the gang arrives in Hawaii. It’s absolutely beautiful, and I can just imagine what a waste this trip is going to be on this group. Of course someone says they got laid when presented with a lei upon landing. Sigh.
The rooms are spectacular and the drinking begins immediately. That’s if it ever stopped. Lala tells Faith that James thinks he’s going to get with her, but he’s not. Ariana shows Tom a series of texts between Scheana and Ariana’s mother discussing Tom in a negative way with Scheana as the instigator.
More drinking before dinner. Max is still recovering from his surgery. Tom announces tomorrow’s activity, a hike with him as guide. There are also upcoming surf lessons. Ariana is stressing over the Scheana texts and isn’t fully enjoying herself. I guess I’d be pissed too.
Ariana makes a toast to the birthday boys, Tom and Jax, using the word “awesome” a lot. Lala has said PDA is James’s thing and she’s right. Jax says something stupid about people who aren’t here who should be and people who are there who shouldn’t be. Lala says Britney needs to “control her man” and I wonder what planet she’s from. What is wrong with that woman? An argument starts between James and Jax. A-hole awards all around.
More drinking. James is bending Max’s ear and complaining about Jax. The rest of the crowd joins them at a very NYC looking bar. Scheana says she and Shay are going to have alone time while everyone else is going on the hike. Tom brings up the texts. Scheana tries to act like it was Ariana’s mom who initiated the conversation, but Ariana got the texts straight from her mom. Tom reads them out loud. Scheana acts like she didn’t do anything wrong and says Tom has a superior attitude.
Ariana can’t figure out the motivation, but I’m wondering if it’s because they don’t want to be friends with Kristen. Tom says he’s been a stand up guy with them. Scheana says she sticks by her words, what’s done is done, and she’s going to bed. Tom tells Shay that if it was him, he’d be pretty angry too. If this was me, I’d ignore them for the rest of the trip and have a good time.
Giggy! Lisa is worried about Max. Aww, we see pics of Ken with Max as a baby. Lisa isn’t thrilled that James is on the trip because he’s erratic and unpredictable. I don’t blame her.
Katie has jet lag. Schwartz tells her he recreated Justin Bieber’s nakey pic on their balcony while she was sleeping. Yep, he did. And he Instagrammed it. Lisa sent them flowers and they give her a call. She asks how Max is doing and she tells them how worried she is. Katie says she’s as tough as a mother as she is as a boss. Lisa says she gets concerned when the bunch of them goes somewhere together. Again, I don’t blame her.
Scheana, who is totally disappointing me, is gossiping about Ariana and Tom to Jax. Britney is tired of Lala flirting with Jax and says she’s going to talk to her.
The group, minus the Shays and Katie, goes on a hike. This is the kind of thing I would love. They go swimming in a place that has a waterfall. We flash back to some of Stassi’s birthdays and her control issues. Tom promises not to act like that. Lala and Faith take their tops off. Jax says he’s going to look, but the trick is looking without Britney seeing. Schwartz has the opposite reaction in that they’ve seen so many, it’s no big deal.
Scheana hopes Shay can master moderation on this trip because she can’t grasp that he should not drink at all. Don’t come whining to me when he disappears for days again.
The hikers stop at a clearing. Schwartz asks what’s up with Ariana and Scheana, and Ariana explains. Schwartz says he doesn’t think Scheana is right, but Tom has been a little snippy lately.
In the meantime, Scheana is telling Katie how she’s her best friend now, and Tom and Ariana act like they’re on a pedestal. Because we’re all 14.
Britney confronts Lala about having no respect for her and Jax’s relationship. Lala says she’s crossed the line flirting and she apologizes. She says she didn’t know they were together. Jax says no way he said that. Lala says at first she thought he was just leaving out details, but now she knows he’s a liar. This is true, but she’s also a sleazebag.
Jax goes humana-humana and Lala tells Britney she does respect relationships. In her individual interview, Lala says she could say a lot that Britney doesn’t want to hear, but sees no point, and Jax says he dodged a bullet.
James asks Max if he supposed to be drinking right now. Max says no, but James justifies it by saying it’s a disinfectant. Okay. Lisa calls Max to check up on him. He thinks he assuages her fears, but probably not. Lala and Faith join them and Lala tells James about Britney’s confrontation.
Schwartz tells Katie about their day and says he saw Lala’s boobs but didn’t look at them. Katie thinks it’s wrong for the girls to be taking off their tops around other people’s boyfriends and I agree. Schwartz tells her about the texts. Katie disagrees about Scheana being in the wrong and says Schwartz isn’t being supportive.
Even more drinking! This time it’s those drinks in pineapples. Ariana brings up Lala’s toplessness and says it wasn’t appropriate. Lala says she encourages every woman to go topless. Scheana says she totally understands Katie’s side, but what did she expect? Lala says what It really means is she doesn’t trust her man. Boys would probably be a more accurate description for the males in this group.
Now that she’s had a few pineapple drinks, Lala decides Britney should hear the truth . She takes Britney aside and tells her about Jax playing a part in their flirting, and that he said he wanted to get with her. Britney says she’s confused, since Jax has acted innocent. Britney tries to pin a little on Lala, but somehow Lala turns it around. Lala says she’s not going down with the ship anymore. Britney says she’s going to talk to Jax. Way to have fun on vacation. I don’t know who’s a bigger d-bag, Jax or Lala. Probably James will trump the both of them.
Britney takes Jax aside. I think he knows what’s coming. Britney tells Jax what Lala said. He repeats her words, which usually tells me that the person is thinking about what answer they’re going to fabricate. Jax says Lala was drunk and is just reaching. Britney calls Lala over. Lala insists she told the truth. Jax repeats that she was drunk and insists he never said it. Scheana sticks her nose into it, but says she didn’t really hear anything. In her individual interview, Scheana says she has her suspicions, but didn’t want to rock the boat. Lala starts getting animated and Jax continues to insist he did nothing. Lala says she’s only been honest and she’s done.
She walks away to be alone.
Next time, more drinking! Stassi and Kristen get together, and Jax gets arrested.
MasterChef Celebrity Showdown
If they rerun this, I highly recommend watching. As well as having celebrities compete, a trio of MasterChef winners compete against the final three from this season of MasterChef Junior, which includes my girl, Addy. Christine, winner of MasterChef’s season three, was also a favorite of mine, as she’s blind. Everyone was surprised that she ended up the winner, but it was logical to me, as I thought her other senses would be more keen. All of the entrants got a donation to their charity of choice, and the big winners get an extra donation.
Best of all, it’s food porn at its finest.