What I Watched Today
(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)
Hope everyone had a happy and safe New Year’s Eve and Day! Football replaced GH today, and everything was closed, so none of us know what day of the week it is at this point. Weekend + holiday = confusion. That being said, on to more important things. Like gratuitous glimpses of Giggy and endless Range Rover discussions.
Last week, Tom made made it clear that nobody was going to stand in the way of Ariana’s tiara-ed wine country NASCAR birthday being fabulous or he would be pissed. Lala never shows up for the flight.
Ariana gets a text from her, apologizing for bailing, and saying she’ll make it up to her. In his interview, Jax thinks that Lala believes an apology makes everything okay. He does admit it’s an improvement in conditions, since they’re all going to be in close counters [sic] in the RV rented for the trip. Brittany announces that she gets car sick, and I think of Joe Buck in Midnight Cowboy who only gets car sick on boats. They have a problem just getting out of the parking lot, so I’m skeptical if they’ll make it to wine country.
Stassi is on her way to her own birthday celebration in Montauk. She reminds us that she hasn’t had a birthday trip in two years. We flash back to Jax’s chunky sweatered a-holeness and Katie’s whining on Stassi’s previous birthdays. I’d probably never have another trip again after those fiascoes. The girls have rented a place right on the beach and it’s beautiful.
Scheana has decided to come along, and she hopes that everyone’s attitudes can stay with the sunny weather, which is a very Scheana-like remark to make. Stassi asks Katie how she’s feeling about Scheana being there, and she’s good. Stassi hopes Scheana doesn’t make the trip all about her. Because, you know, it’s the national holiday called STASSI’S BIRTHDAY.
While driving the RV, Tom goes blah-blah-blah about Lala, because the NASCAR VIP tickets were super expensive, but Ariana’s jury is out until she gets the real story. Although she does add that it had better have been important. Brittany decides to FaceTime with Scheana. She tells Scheana and Stassi about Lala not showing up. Scheana is annoyed, since Lala is the reason that she wasn’t invited on the Sonoma trip. However, Stassi has already informed us that Scheana choosing not to go to Montauk would be unbridesmaid-like behavior. Brittany tells Stassi that it’s like a redneck dream in the RV.
At SUR, Lisa and Peter (who looks so different since he shaved, I didn’t recognize him) discuss business. Ariana calls Lisa, asking if she’s seen or heard from Lala, but Lisa thought she was with Ariana. Ariana tells Lisa that Lala bailed with no explanation. Lisa isn’t too happy, since Lala begged for the night off, but tells Ariana to just forget about Lala and have good time. In her interview, Ariana says Lala is shady as hell and she’s over it.
Kristen informs us that since New Yorkers are always on the go, they need to go to the Hamptons to decompress. She doesn’t understand the appeal though, since she never does anything. Scheana tells everyone how Lala never showed for Ariana’s birthday, but everyone agrees that Ariana is better off, because this is “the kind of girl who doesn’t wear underwear to work.” Stassi admits they’re a bunch of haters. Well, at least she’s honest.
Ariana’s crew gets to Sonoma. In his interview, Schwartz tells us that Jax basically stinks because he’s been wearing the same compression garment (man bra) since his breast reduction surgery. Even in the shower. Bleh. Ariana is embarrassed that they’ve pulled up to the winery in a Winnebago. A wine tasting has been set up, but Jax would prefer a vodka tasting. Brittany is down for tequila or whiskey, but also isn’t much of a wine drinker.
Tom suggests that they play a lottery where the loser drinks from the bucket of wine spit. I can only hope he draws the low card or whatever. Or maybe Jax. Too bad. It’s Ariana. Understandably, she hesitates. She holds the floral centerpiece next to her face, so that the people at the other tables don’t see her. News flash. You’re actually making yourself more obvious.
In Montauk, Kristen talks about her nearly perfect relationship. Stassi is still bummed about things not working out so well with Patrick. We flash back to when they were moving in together. Katie asks if she’s okay. Stassi insists that she’s fine, but wipes tears from her eyes.
Ariana says she feels like the RV wants them to be drunken idiots on the road. And they are. They drink tequila as they speed along. Um…should Bravo be letting them do that?
James tells us that he’s traded his alcohol addiction for ice cream. He meets with his mentor, Arthur, while he downs several scoops of some pretty weird flavors. God forgive me, but I’d love to see James get fat. He talks about going to Lisa, and how she turned him down when he asked for his job back. Arthur says that this should be a red flag that James shouldn’t drink, and asks what the real problem is underneath the drinking. James tells him about his family breaking apart, and how that makes him want to drink. He says he feels like a drink, and I tell him he doesn’t look like one. BA-DUM-CHH! Arthur owns a bar, and James asks if he needs a DJ. Arthur says he’ll hire him, but if he takes a drink, he’ll be fired and be given a haircut.
Ariana’s birthday troupe goes to Sonoma Raceway. Ariana and Brittany have shots in the RV. Ariana says she’s having the time of her life, and she’s glad she doesn’t have to dress up. Tom talks to the guys, including Ariana’s brother, about his and Ariana’s sex life, which isn’t happening much. Ariana tells Brittany how she’s constantly telling Tom to back off. Tom talks about something where I go ♫ LA-LA-LA ♫ Jax wonders when he’s going to sabotage his relationship with Brittany, since that’s what he’s best at. Ariana drains the tequila bottle.
Scheana acts like a wet blanket when Stassi’s birthday group wants to have shots, because she’s sticking to her workout regimen. A guy stops by their table (it’s an outdoor bar), and Scheana tells him it’s Stassi’s birthday and she’s 22, when she’s really 28, and I wonder why. In her interview, Stassi says that she was hoping for someone a bit younger to hit on her. I would have been hoping for someone younger. She tells the girls her cut off is 45.
Ariana is absolutely hammered, and Tom loves it. He’s probably hoping for sex. In his interview, Schwartz says that Ariana is more responsible than the rest of them, and rarely gets drunk, but when she does, it’s two-fisted and he thinks she should do it more often.
Another guy comes by Stassi’s table and Scheana gives him the same routine. Stassi says they’re getting warmer. Until he starts talking. Then they’re freezing. A guy named Laertes (!) replaces him. He seems kind of cool, isn’t bad looking, and is rather sylish. Katie monopolizes him and then he jets. Stassi says it’s official that Katie will never be her wingwoman, and worries that she’ll be single forever. I wouldn’t be too concerned at age
Commercial break. Omg, I am feeling fat and I can’t stop eating because I am still in holiday mode, and there are still a lot of good leftovers. I need something like one of those talking car alarms, but it will say, Step away from the refrigerator!
James shows up at SUR to talk to Max. Lisa says it’s unfortunate that she can’t fire James from being friends with her son. Lisa asks James if he knows what’s up with Lala. He’s surprised that she didn’t come on Ariana’s birthday trip, and he thinks she’s under her boyfriend’s thumb. He says the boyfriend sometimes follows her, and she’s become very jumpy. In his interview, he says Lala wonders why everyone is so interested, and it’s because she creates interest, making up different stories. In her interview, Lisa says she doesn’t know if Lala’s boyfriend is married, but it’s obvious that her choice in boyfriends is questionable. She tells James not to be a bad influence on Max.
Katie calls Schwartz, who says they have everything they could ask for – beer and an RV. Katie finds it hard to believe that Schwartz could live the RV life, and we see a clip of him in a fluffy robe at a posh hotel, messing with his hair. Tom gets on the phone, and they discuss Lala. Katie is glad everyone is seeing her true colors. They speculate as to whether she might have been abducted by aliens, and what she might be doing for space Range Rovers, because that topic cannot be dropped. Ever. Schwartz is glad that it sounds like there won’t be any raging, angry texts tonight. Katie tells him they’re going skinny-dipping and he says he’ll be right there. The girls all find this highly amusing.
In his interview, Tom talks about Ariana’s last birthday, when she was sad about her father’s death, and he left her in the dust to go to Vegas. He wants to make sure she knows how important she is to him. He tells her how he’ll always be here for her, and in her interview, she says he’s more than redeemed himself, and she has no greater ally.
Jax farts and nearly clears the RV. smh
Once again, Scheana doesn’t want to go with the flow. The girls want to do their skinny-dipping thing, but she says they’re ganging up on her and giving her peer pressure. In her interview, Kristen says she must not have gotten the memo that they always get naked on Stassi’s birthday. Still, Scheana stays ashore in her robe. After the girls get out of the water, Stassi realizes that the lighthouse is pointed toward them and people are cheering.
Next time, NASCAR, the girls hunt up a man for Stassi, and Lala thinks it’s time to leave SUR.
New Year’s Chart & Quote
🎅 I’m somewhere between the second and third ones.
🕯 Let your light beam in 2017. – Robin Roberts, talking about her family’s motto for the new year.