What I Watched Today
(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)
Kiki and Dillon are back in Port Charles, having never made it to LA. Dillon wants to celebrate the way they did New Year’s Eve, whatever that means, but Kiki wants to brush her teeth for an hour. It seems they were stuck in Detroit for quite a while, and had problems getting back.
Scotty meets with Franco at the dive bar. He says Franco has a good motive for killing Tom, and Franco thanks him for his support. Franco asks when the print test is coming back from the knife. Scotty wonders if Franco’s prints will be on it.
Laura tells Elizabeth that she had a great time skating with the kids. Doc twisted his ankle while showing off though. She says the boys were amused, but also couldn’t stop taking about Franco.
Franco tells Scotty that Tom could have taken the knife, but even if his own prints are on it, it doesn’t make him guilty.
Jason asks Buzz what the name of Winston’s boss is. He doesn’t know, and didn’t get a good look at her, but remembers her voice. She told Winston to kill the homeless loser who planted the bomb.
Omg, could it be Helena??? I’ve never believed for a moment that she’s really dead. I don’t think Nicholas is really dead either. We haven’t seen the boss’s face yet, but she’s dressed in a kimono, wearing a lot of jewelry, and those don’t look like young hands. Winston tells the boss that Jason has found the homeless man.
Alexis can’t find her vodka and freaks. Julian shows her the empty bottles. He says he emptied everything out, including what she had hidden in the laundry room. She tells him he had no right to do that, but he says he’s trying to stop her from killing herself or someone else.
Kiki tells Dillon that Franco isn’t home. She thinks a bath in disinfectant followed by a bleach shower would be great, and then lots of food. They talk about what happened on the bus, and Dillon asks if the kiss changed anything.
Buzz wants to jet, and asks “Father Curtis” for a special blessing. Curtis asks about the woman’s voice, and Jason asks him to repeat what he told them. Buzz says that he realized Winston had lied, and that he didn’t plant a GPS, but a bomb that killed an innocent kid – Sonny’s kid. He realized his life was over, and went to the pawn shop to confront Winston. Curtis wonders how he got in and out with no notice, when it’s under surveillance 24/7.
Julian tells Alexis he loves her too much to allow her to ruin her life. He says she’s going to drink herself to death or have another accident, and asks how she’d feel if she killed an innocent stranger. She flashes back to struggling with Tom in the alleyway. Julian asks what’s wrong.
Scotty tells Franco that the police are going to build a case and arrest him, and what they need is an alibi. Franco is annoyed that Scotty isn’t believing him, but Scotty says it’s like the chicken or the egg, and wants to know what Franco was doing that night.
Elizabeth tells Laura that she heard about Charlotte being her granddaughter. Laura says as far as Lulu is concerned, the custody hearing can’t happen fast enough. Elizabeth says if she needs any help, to let her know. Laura says the boys seem convinced that Franco is going to be a big part of their lives, but she’s not getting the same vibe from Elizabeth.
Alexis tells Julian that she’s not staying while he stages a one-man intervention. Julian tells her she’s making a mistake.
Winston promises the boss that he’ll find Buzz, and says that if Buzz was going to the police, he would have done it already. He tells her that he has more bad news.
Buzz tells Jason and Curtis that he can’t reveal anything, but Curtis promises they won’t rat him out. Buzz tells them there’s a network of catacombs under Port Charles, and that’s how he gets in and out of the pawn shop without anyone seeing. He says Winston and the boss have a secret office in the tunnels.
Alexis asks if Julian is going to hold a knife to her throat to stop her. She says he’ll have to catch her first, and she’s pretty sure she can outrun a guy with a cane. He says she’s why he’s using the cane in the first place. D’oh! He asks her to just go twelve hours without a drink. She calls an Uber.
Elizabeth asks if Laura judges her, but Laura says that everyone is capable of doing good or harm, and good people can make wrong choices. She says everyone deserves a second chance, even Franco. Elizabeth says she doesn’t know the whole story.
Franco tells Scotty he was locked in a metal dog crate. Immediately Scotty thinks he and Elizabeth were getting freaky, but Franco explains that Tom put him there. Franco says it makes sense, since he put Tom in first. Now Scotty is going to think it’s even more freaky. Ha-ha!
Dillon tells Kiki if it was just a New Year’s Eve kiss, that’s cool. Kiki tells him that when he was sleeping, she started to think about her life. She’ll always feel guilty for Morgan’s death, but she can focus on it or turn it into something useful. She could volunteer at the hospital or go back to school and help people with mental issues. Dillon says Morgan would like that. Kiki still wants to shower, and says Dillon could order food while she’s in there. He suggests they shower together to save water, but that’s a no.
Winston tells the boss lady that Jason and Sam have become suspicious. The boss spills hot tea on him. Purposely.
Jason offers to set Buzz up out of town. Curtis says he has a friend in Baltimore and will let him know Buzz is coming, and Jason gives him some money to get there. Buzz tells them to watch their step; these people aren’t messing around. He leaves, and Jason asks Sam what she found out. She says Julian lied, telling her that he just buys stuff from Winston, but she could tell he’s scared. She also believes he has nothing to do with the car bomb.
Alexis tells Julian that he isn’t the worst part of her day. He tells her that she’s become dependent on alcohol or she’d take his challenge. He asks her to do it for her children and herself, for the career she wants back and her self-respect. She says he took her self-respect from her. He agrees, and says if she’s broken, he understands it’s his fault and that her only comfort is in a bottle. He says he owes it to her to save her life. She says save her or kill her, pick one. He says she has a lot to process right now, and she tells him not to patronize her. He says he’s not, but understands wanting to block the rest of the world out. Alexis flashes back to Tom again. She struggles with him and he throws her down. He tells her if she does it again, she’s dead, and pulls out the knife. In the present, Alexis goes to the door, and Julian says if she leaves he’s staging a real intervention.
Elizabeth tells Laura about Tom’s parole and how the police suspect Franco of his murder.
Scotty tells Franco it’s false imprisonment. Franco says he was just keeping Tom until after his parole meeting. Scotty says that’s OCD thinking, and Franco says he came to his senses, but then Tom turned the tables on him. Scotty says he believes him, but his alibi could put him in prison. Franco says his only hope is finding the real killer. He tells Scotty what the bartender told him. Scotty wonders if he greases the bartender more, if he’d talk more. Scotty says he has bupkis, but Franco says he also ran into Alexis at the bar.
Sam tells Jason and Curtis that Julian seemed genuinely scared of Winston, and she thinks he’s afraid for them. She thinks Julian was the target, and Winston was responsible for Morgan’s death. They wonder who the boss is.
Winston is like it’s all good, and tells lady boss that he’ll take care of Jason.
Alexis dismisses the Uber and goes back in. She tells Julian that her friends and family would never listen to him. He asks why she didn’t leave then. She says Sam is pregnant and it would stress her out, but Julian says it’s more stressful to have a drunk as a mother. He tells her that it’s only a matter of time before they find out. He says she’s lost her license and isolated herself; how long before she has nobody? Alexis says he should know. Julian wishes she could be the independent woman he fell in love with. He says she’s so desperate, she can’t help herself, much less anyone else. She says he wants her to be drunk so he can keep control. He tells her that she’s not just losing the people she knows, but the entire world; all the people she’s helped or would be able to help will be deprived of their champion.
Franco tells Scotty that Alexis made up an excuse for being at the bar, but she was beyond nervous. Scotty says she’s been off since Julian’s trial, and they need to find out who the woman was who Tom was drinking with. Franco asks to borrow Scotty’s tablet, and they have an amusing conversation about Facebook. Scotty gets an alert that the fingerprint analysis is back.
Jason asks if Julian mentioned who Winston might be working for, but Sam says no, and reiterates that he seemed scared. Curtis and Jason decide to go to the pawn shop via the tunnels. Sam Is hesitant, but Jason says that now she and the kids are in danger, and Curtis says if they’re smart, they won’t be risking their lives.
Kiki and Dillon chow down on Italian, Mexican and Chinese food. They kiss. Geez, I didn’t even get a warning.
Elizabeth tells Laura that maybe she’s being naïve, but she believes Franco. Even if he didn’t kill Tom though, he carried out his own brand of justice. She says he fixed it, but Tom turned up dead. Laura asks if she can live with what Franco did do. Elizabeth says she can, but he’s pulled away. Until the real murderer is found, he wants to keep his distance. Her heart wants to stay by his side, but her head says that’s crazy. Laura says they’re all flawed people and only she can decide if the good in Franco outweighs the bad.
There are no fingerprints on the knife. Franco says that doesn’t exactly clear him, but seems more upset that Scotty hasn’t friended him. Franco suggests he look for the hashtag of the roadhouse, thinking there might be photos that include Tom and the mystery woman.
Julian has gotten a load of DVDs and food to distract Alexis. He hands her a knife, and she flashes back again. She tells Tom that he isn’t the first guy who’s held a knife to her throat, and gets the knife from him, saying he messed with the wrong person. Back at the house, Alexis freaks out, saying she needs a drink. Julian asks what’s wrong, and she wails about what she’s done.
Curtis and Jason lurk around the tunnels and open a door.
There’s a knock at Kiki’s door, and she thinks it must be dessert. Instead, it’s Elizabeth looking for Franco. Kiki says she just got in, but he’s not there. She says she’ll tell Franco that Elizabeth came by, but Elizabeth wants to surprise him. When she’s gone, Dillon tells Kiki that it’s the same dance they’ve been doing for months, and it’s the fear of jumping into a relationship. He says they should wait for what happens next; no pressure.
Scotty can’t find any pictures from December 21st. He thinks they should wait and find another server who might know something. Franco sees a picture where Tom and Alexis are sitting together at a booth in the background.
Alexis tells Julian that she was outside of the roadhouse. She was drunk and did something. She killed someone.
Tomorrow, Diane asks Sonny what he knows, a fire starts in the tunnels, and Alexis confesses to Julian.
Oh, I get it. The reason there’s a two-hour show on tonight is because they’re introducing Stassi’s new one, Summer House. It looks like they’ll probably slide into it the way they did with The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills slipping into Vanderpump Rules with the latter’s first episode.
Stassi is amazed that she’s not hung over and feeling “chipper.” Who uses that word? Maybe Kathy Gifford. Stassi and Katie discuss the night before. In her interview, Stassi says she’s not ready for another relationship, but wouldn’t mind a guy to distract her from the breakup with Patrick, who she was with for two years. They talk about how to approach a new guy.
Meanwhile, at Sonoma Raceway, the RV is starting to smell on day two. Ariana says they’re barely clinging to their humanity. Geez, two days out of LA and it’s Lord of the Flies. Brittany tells Jax that he’s making her insane. How this is different from their everyday life, I’m not sure. In his interview, Schwartz says that Jax and Brittany need a time out. He tries to take pix of Jax while he’s in the shower. Tom suggests that Jax might want to stop picking on Brittany before he finds himself single again.
In her interview, Kristen says she’s heard that Montauk is WASP-y, and since wasps suck, she hopes Montauk doesn’t suck. She’s not joking either. Is LA this out of touch with the rest of the world, or is she really this stupid? Stassi has to look up clambake, so they understand the difference between that and a luau. I repeat my previous question. Scheana asks what if they don’t like clams, and is told to take one for the team.
Ariana’s group is ready for the NASCAR race, and Tom gets some autographs. The only racing guy I know is Jeff Gordon, but I don’t think he even races anymore. Schwartz takes a poll as to which of the girls are willing to flash their boobs, and Jax points out for the billionth time that he paid for Brittany’s. Ariana suggests she find a new boyfriend. That’s got my vote.
Stassi and Katie lounge on the porch, and Stassi says they look like an old married couple. Katie has gotten some texts from Lisa and gives her a call. Lisa gives Katie a list of things that they need to work on, but tells her they can meet when Katie gets back. Katie is a little annoyed that Lisa didn’t wish her a happy birthday. Well, Lisa is at work.
Tom and Ariana kiss on the Ferris Wheel, while Jax harasses them. Ariana says it’s the best trip ever, and too bad for Lala who couldn’t be bothered to make it.
The clambake happens, but it’s not like the one in Oklahoma! There are linens on the table, everyone is dressed like they’re going not to the beach, and they’re sipping white wine. Stassi is glad for the well-dressed, attractive men who aren’t like the ones she met at the bar last night. Scheana informs everyone that she doesn’t really eat fish, but it doesn’t matter because someone just brought out a magnum of rosé. Everyone wonders how to eat a lobster. Some guy takes a selfie with a lobster. In her interview, Scheana says she’s not eating anything with claws because a cat has claws, and she wouldn’t eat a cat. Sigh… Stassi is embarrassed about Scheana’s whining. I’m embarrassed about Scheana period.
Ariana and company watch the race. They have VIP tickets, so the view is pretty good. I’d call it a bird’s-eye view, but that sounds like the one I had at the Elton John concert in 1970whatever, when I had to sit in mountain goat territory. Tom calls to get the toilet tank flushed out and the guys sing a song about saving poop, making me eternally glad that I don’t know these people. Schwartz thinks it’s Jax’s fault for his excessive use of toilet paper. In her interview, Brittany says Jax needs to grow up and respect her. Good luck with that. And for those who don’t know this, when I say that, what I really mean is, all the luck in the world won’t save you.
Small talk is made at the clambake. Somebody gets nosy, asking Stassi about her breakup, but she really doesn’t want to cry. In her interview, she says it’s extra hard because her family and friends like Patrick, and she usually dates a-holes. Katie thinks Stassi needs some tough love, even if it’s just going to second base. Stassi thinks they should have perhaps gotten real careers. One of the guys makes fun of her for being on a dating app, although I’m not sure why. Isn’t that how people date now? They toast to being in Montauk.
If I have to see Jax’s butt crack one more time, I’m going to go out of my mind. The group goes out to eat, and I am loving Ariana’s earrings. They’re huge crescents with leaf-shaped rhinestones in various shades of green attached to them. Tom calls Jax an a-hole, and asks Brittany how she feels about him ordering her around, but he says he supports her lifestyle and no one can tell him how to deal with his relationship. Tom tells him gifts aren’t leverage. Jax thinks he’d love being in Brittany’s place. I guess he must like being embarrassed. Brittany is feeling stupid, but Tom tells her nothing Jax says is making her look bad. In his interview, Jax says when he started dating Brittany, he loved that she wasn’t from LA, but she seems to be adapting and he doesn’t like it. Hmm… By that, I assume he means she has independent thoughts. To be honest, I get what he’s saying about supporting her. When one person is paying all the bills, the other one needs to pinch in the other departments like cleaning and cooking, but it’s his delivery that’s obnoxious, and it doesn’t mean you can demand whatever whenever. He might need to learn the hard way that his POV is not acceptable.
Ariana tells everyone that Lala isn’t following her on social media anymore, and wonders why she’s being iced out. She says she can be a bitch too and unfollows Lala. Oh. Horrors. Schwartz says a line has been drawn in the sand. Not one episode of this show goes by without me thinking about how much more mature my friends and I were at this age. Is technology the problem? All of the above?
In her interview, Lala talks about herself in the third person, and says she was in shut-down mode. Harrison! Lisa tells Lala she can do what she wants with her time off, but she doesn’t get why Lala didn’t show up for Ariana’s birthday. Lala makes noises about Jax being irritating, although she knew that before. Lisa reads my mind and wonders why Lala said she’d go in the first place. Lala starts to cry, telling Lisa that everyone is saying she’s a homewrecker. In her interview, Lisa says she doesn’t know if it’s true – she hopes not – but Lala should have more respect for herself. Lala says she makes stuff up about her boyfriend to get them off her back and give them something to talk about. One day she’s dating the pope and the next, a baseball player. She thinks of it as an acting exercise. Lisa explains that when someone is caught in a lie, no one knows how much to invest in them. In her interview, Lisa says Lala likes to create a situation, but then act like a baby girl, and life doesn’t work like that. Lala says she thinks it might be best for her to walk away from “this workplace.” Because actually telling the truth and dealing with real life is too hard.
Lisa asks what’s wrong with her, and thinks she should grow up and deal with it. Thank you, Lisa the Amazing Kreskin of Beverly Hills. She asks if Lala thinks everyone is going to be her friend if she ends up being successful in films. Lala admits that she’s in charge of her own emotions. Lisa tells Lala that if she quits, she’s going to give a lot of people satisfaction. Lala wishes they’d had this conversation a while ago, and Lisa thinks Lala should have had this conversation with her mother long ago. In her interview, Lala says that Lisa makes sense and decides not to quit yet.
Stassi’s name has to be explained to empty-headed, but good-looking Kyle. The girls visit the twins’ rental house. They claim it’s like going to Lisa’s, but hardly. It’s big, but could probably fit in Lisa’s bathroom. Everyone gets a drink and the twins (Ashley and Lauren) show them around. In her interview, Kristen says maybe she’s in the wrong business. Maybe she should be in…business. I’m not kidding. She really said that. Kyle drinks directly from the blender, and tells Carl that he likes Stassi.
Ariana and Brittany rehash Jax’s remarks. Ariana has to explain what misogynistic means to Brittany. The absolute definition is Jax. The guys build a fire outside, and Ariana asks Brittany what she’s going to do if Jax doesn’t change.
Commercial break. Giggy! RHOBH looks really good this week. Game night, including Kim Richards. Duck, run, and then look through your fingers like it’s a horror film.
It’s time to get in the pool in Montauk. Along with more drinking. Ashley lets Stassi know that Kyle is interested in her.
In Sonoma, Jax asks Brittany if she’s having fun. She tells him that she is, other than his ‘tude, which she doesn’t appreciate, but he thinks she’s exaggerating. In his interview, he says he pays for everything, so it would be nice to have lunch ready sometimes. Brittany tells him that she’s tired of him holding her boob job over her head, and says she does a lot for him too. She says she appreciates what he does for her, but that doesn’t mean he can just do or say whatever he wants. He says he’ll try harder, but the occasional turkey sandwich would be nice.
Kyle is pretty sh*tfaced, and tells Stassi he appreciates her New York fashion. She’s wearing a white bathing suit that has a turtleneck type collar, and her hair in an Audrey Hepburn updo. Katie says Stassi should ask herself what would Lala do? More drinks happen in the kitchen. Tequila Katie arrives (i.e. Katie’s other personality when she drinks too much). Scheana worries that Schwartz isn’t there to put Tequila Katie in her place. Whatever that means. Lots of confusing statements today.
Kyle and Stassi are still in the pool. He tells her that she’s “well put together.” He asks if she’s single, and she says for about a week. He suggests they embrace it. We flash back to how very much liquor this dude has put away. He asks Stassi what her name is again. He says something about her being female and hot, but a turtleneck and Steve Jobs are involved. I have no idea where this conversation is going. Stassi wants to give him lessons on how to make a girl feel special, one of which is not telling them they’re like Steve Jobs in a turtleneck. He says something about her nipple and it all goes south quickly.
Everyone gets back in the pool, and there are too many people to keep track of. Stassi tells the girls that she’s never been more turned off by anyone in her life. Kyle shoves chips in his mouth. The twins say he’s a good guy, but an idiot when he’s drunk. Stassi says he made her want to call her ex. Well, that certainly backfired. Kyle jumps into the pool.
Everyone goes back inside, and Kristen tries to find out what the blip Kyle said to Stassi. One of the other guys explains that when Kyle drinks, he does slow moves and a lot of pointing, like a Ken doll doing tai chi under water. Kyle apologizes to Stassi, and she basically calls him a douche. She suggests he remember a girl’s name if he wants to get lucky. She asks him what her name is, and he can’t come up with it. The SUR girls go back to their own place. Kyle says even though he struck out, he’s learned that after 12 glasses of rosé, he should probably STFU. No argument from me. He eats watermelon alone in the kitchen.
Omg! Omg! An infinity pool! I want to swim in one so badly. The next day, everyone wakes up with a hangover, and some of them have to drive home because they have “real” jobs. As opposed to Steve Jobs. We seem to have swung into the next show.
Blah-blah-blah, NYC, hot and smelly in the summer.
⛱ Obviously, my jury is still out on Summer House, but I have the feeling that my opinion is going to be, meh, and a waste of time. I already think Kyle is a total d-bag and when Stassi is the best thing about a show, that’s just sad. I’ll be watching, but not so sure I’ll be recapping.
Okay, after watching almost the entire first episode, the whole thing is just sad. And no permanent Stassi. Just the twins, that moron Kyle, and whoever else the other interchangeable people are. Unless some Vanderpump fixtures join the cast, this is going to be a if-there’s-nothing-better-on show.
🌃 The good news is, Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce begins it’s new season on Wednesday, January 11, at 10 pm. This is also the birthday of six of my dogs, who will be ten this year!
👠 Just some thoughts on The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I feel sad that Kenya’s relationship with Matt ultimately didn’t work out, but better to find out what he’s like now. Phaedra, wtf, talking so much smack about Kandi? And here comes Porsha to add her own definition of things by telling Kandi she’s becoming “unleashed” about it. Um…I think the word is unhinged. Alhtough I’m not sure why I always expect more from someone who thought the Underground Railroad was a real railroad.
Sheree continues to tease Bob, meeting him for some kind of extreme workout that neither one of them could seem to accomplish. Cynthia graciously went to an event of Peter’s, and he described her as looking like “an ice cream cone,” driving him crazy with her va-va-voom. As much as I can’t stand Peter, I had to agree with him. She looked like she’d been poured into a gorgeous white dress, and totally delicious! Unfortunately, Kenya was also attending, and Matt ambushed her, punching her driver and then taking off. Not cool. Next week, it doesn’t look much better, with Matt busting out some windows in Kenya’s new home. Looks like it’s restraining order time. In her interview, Kenya cried, saying what a shame it was when Matt had such potential. My heart broke for her. I like Kenya and I have every confidence that she’ll eventually find the right guy. But in the meantime, there’s those frogs to deal with.
And why do they advertise next week’s new episode when we’re not done with this week’s episode yet?